Announcement! An open letter from the infertile

**Update: I had no idea this post would be so well received. Thank you to those who have been so encouraging, it means more than you know. There were some who still didn’t get it, or didn’t even read the post… But still. So glad to have finally formulated this answer**Well.. I have something to share!

Bryan and I have been married for almost 5 years now and it’s time to answer something 🙂

It’s something I’ve been asked often. People have been dying to know.

“When will you start a family?”

And so… without further ado….

Nope. I’m not pregnant.

If you’ve already scrolled down and commented “congratulations” I think you’re missing out here. Big time. You especially should read this one.

Here’s the thing…

Here’s the answer…

When and if I get pregnant, I will be the first to know then I’ll tell you. Hopefully. Did you see that word there?

IF.

You see… So often I’ve been asked by people assuming that I’m even able to get pregnant. Maybe it’s not even in the cards for us. Maybe it isn’t in God’s will. Or maybe it’s something He has for us later on.

I’m fine with that. Now. It’s taken a few years for me to get to that point. But it is still irritating when people ask.

I had a boss (and pastor!) ask my husband once if “everything worked right down there” and then asked me later on if we “were having enough sex.” Then there are others who ask “why haven’t you had kids yet?”

Even our families were in the game (I say were because it’s past tense, we’ve spoken with them about it). They would say “I want to be a grandparent.” Or “I can’t wait to be an auntie.”

Many times I’ve felt the sting of tears in my eyes. Thinking about all those OPKs and HPTs in the trash and yet trying to respond with some amount of grace.

I guess people don’t think about the situations of others. What we could be going through. They’re always worried about our next steps in life. Not so much about our now.

Years ago it was “when will you find a man and settle down?” I was single and perfectly fine at the time.

Then it was “when are you getting married?” We weren’t even engaged.

For the last 4+ years it’s been “When are you having a kid?” “Are you even trying?” “What’s wrong with you?”

Well geez… it makes me want to answer:

“We are celibate.”

I actually did answer passive aggressively to someone once. We were at dinner and she looked at me all smiling like it were a perfectly normal thing to ask and said… “Why haven’t you gotten pregnant yet?” You don’t want to know my answer… it was inappropriate. I’m sorry for that, if you’re reading this now somehow.

It’s none of your business.

If you just want to chat about something,

How about them Pirates? How about this hormonal weather?

How about something a bit more benign? Less prying?

Because honestly, if you think something is wrong with me for not yet being pregnant, I’m certain you can’t help me fix it. Much less be able to. I mean, really now. Are you going to loan me your ovaries?? Your husband?? Your magic fertility dust??

My question is, why have we as a society become so insensitive? So callous? I expect many of you to disagree with me here. Maybe saying that these people are harmless. And that may be true. I know it’s not for one of them that I spoke of because I told him many times it was none of his business…

And I know others of you may follow up with more questions or more concerns, asking about our medical history or what not.

Again…

It’s none of your business.

That’s between me, my husband, God and our doctors. And unless you are one of those people, please don’t try to take one of their roles in our lives. You can be our friend though. Take that role. Don’t diagnose me. Come along side me.

There are so many more things to a woman than her ability to carry a child. So much more to me than that. I’m not any less of a woman. I’m not wrong. I’m not broken. I’m just Jenn. Married to Bryan. Living our life.

Ask us about our now.

I could go on for hours about what I’ve learned this year. Or about the fun things I do at my day job. My husband could go on and on about pop culture. We could both list off all the cool things we’ve been able to experience lately. So much going on in our now. Just ask.

Those of you who have made it this far and not x’ed out of the page or left a hateful comment… thank you. Thank you for hearing me, for allowing me to say what I’ve held in for a long while now. I still have only grazed the surface, but in doing this little exercise in vulnerability I can already feel some weight lifted. So thank you. It’s not easy to put your heart out there, especially when it’s still healing. And believe me, my mouse hung over the “publish” button for a long while before finally posting this.

Jenn**Update 10/1/15: If you’d like to share this post to help others in the same boat who feel they have no voice, here are the two tweets I put out about it. There are quite a few congrats comments of folks assuming I’m pregnant, I was trying to get their attention to read, but it obviously didn’t work for those few. Many have contacted me personally thanking me for speaking up. Which is awesome! I was just trying to get it off my chest and get my voice heard by a few. I had no idea I’d be helping speak for others in similar situations. So, thank you. Seriously.**

First one (notice all the “congratulations” comments):

Second one (Still a bunch of “congrats” comments, but many messaged me personally afterwards):

 

Previous Story
Next Story

You Might Also Like

  • sue
    October 6, 2015 at 6:32 am

    People just don’t think before they speak sometimes. Thank you so much for being courageous enough to share your story with us at #WednesdaysWisdom. I’m so glad you pressed Publish!

  • Lauren Ivy Chiong
    October 2, 2015 at 9:18 am

    Such a great post–I love your honesty 🙂 I was married for well over ten years before having my first child (having fielded lots of nosy questions up until that point) and now I’m in my early 40s and pregnant with our second child. You just never know what life has in store!! Good for you for leading the life YOU want to lead 🙂

  • Evie
    October 2, 2015 at 7:45 am

    Thank you for this post, thanks for sharing your thoughts with us! It means a lot. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for 3 years before we finally made it. My friend has been trying for 5 – she had a medical condition, and they just weren’t able.. and then a miracle happened and they are now parents to a lovely baby boy. You can never rush or predict those things. Too many things are at play – the timing only being one of them. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be. Either way, your personal life is called personal for a reason, no one should ever think it’s OK to ask such personal, uncomfortable, even hurtful questions as if they’re just making a lighthearted conversation about weather. It’s not OK – you have the right to your privacy!

    Wish you all the best!!!

  • MsCrookedHalo
    October 1, 2015 at 4:46 pm

    Wow. I got hung up on the nerve of the pastor not to just ask if you were going to have children but to try and drill down to find out what the “problem” might be. How rude!

  • Uplifting Families
    October 1, 2015 at 3:52 pm

    I never ask the question to anyone because it’s not my business unless they openly share. I remember one day I was looking at some cats with my kids. Some guy assumed I was expecting because of the shirt I was wearing I suppose. I think I told him nope just fat. He was rather embarrassed.

  • Angie K
    October 1, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    I love this post so much. I love how you put the congrats part in there lol. but seriously thanks for this share!

  • Rebecca Swenor
    October 1, 2015 at 2:27 pm

    Kudos for getting it out there the way you did because I find it somewhat amusing, .I guess I am going to approach this in a different way and hope not offend anyone in doing so. This is my thought when reading this and it is my honest opinion. We think to much about the future and to much about the past. All of us need to be thinking about the present because what happens will happen. Life is to short to and to precious to waste it on what if or it was when we are here right now in the present. Maybe I feel this way because my mom had a massive heart attack on the 5 th of this month and we almost lost her a couple of times. It was a lesson for our whole family. I know I was hardly every thought of how blessed I really am to have each day in the now..

  • Colleen B
    October 1, 2015 at 1:53 pm

    My husband and I are completely totally forever unable to have biological children. (We now have two adopted sons however.) I understand so well what you are saying through this post. We had five years of marriage without a child as well. Three of those years we were so hopeful and two, once we found out for sure we couldn’t, we were devastated. People ask all the time and it is so painful especially when you are doing all you can to simply get through your days without absolutely breaking down most days. (I’m speaking just for myself here of course.) It was an awful time and a situation about which very very few people showed any sensitivity. Great article. 🙂

  • Urvi
    October 1, 2015 at 11:52 am

    I can totally understand your situation. I have been married since 2 n half year and people keep asking again and again. I just hate to talk with them. I don’t understand why they interfere in others life. I can’t legally work in US so I do blogging and they say have a baby so you can get company so you will not get bore. Seriously ????

  • becka
    October 1, 2015 at 10:18 am

    For us it was the opposite. We got married in June and got pregnant in July and when we told everyone in September they were like “Why didn’t you wait?” “Are you crazy, you should be married together for awhile before kids.” Heard tons worse but took it in stride. I think it’s the whole “can’t please everyone” thing.

  • Ashleigh
    October 1, 2015 at 9:14 am

    I think I was so fortunate to struggle in silence with conceiving our children. My boyfriend and I were so young when I first was born, I was 23, that no one knew that were trying for years to get pregnant. You are totally right, it’s your time when you want to tell.

  • Ana De- Jesus
    October 1, 2015 at 4:51 am

    Good for you, the pressure of societal expectations means that some couples have children to appease an archaic convention without a thought for their financial or social needs. Well done you for sticking to your guns and I hope that you continue to show others that it is okay to not to want have children. Often I am given stick for not wanting marriage but then I don’t wholly agree with the premise of marriage and people should learn to accept that!

  • Ron
    September 30, 2015 at 10:00 pm

    You’re a brave woman.

  • Autumn
    September 30, 2015 at 9:47 pm

    Also, huge congratulations are in order! Very exciting for y’all!!! 🙂

  • Autumn
    September 30, 2015 at 9:46 pm

    I tend to make people uncomfortable if I want them to stop asking me questions. I’ve had people ask me if I am pregnant when I have been bloated. I have just responded with answers like: “Nope, just got fat.” Did I think I was fat? Nope, but it made people uncomfortable enough that they realized it was inappropriate to ask without me calling them out on it.

  • Ra'Nesha
    September 30, 2015 at 9:44 pm

    Congratulations!

  • Dawn McAlexander
    September 30, 2015 at 7:12 pm

    Good for you. Congrats on not being pregnant. I always wonder why people assume that everyone wants to have kids. That is just not the case.

  • Stephanie of The TipToe Fairy
    September 30, 2015 at 5:42 pm

    I don’t think our society has become more callous. These questions have gone on for years. Humans by nature are nosy and sometimes rude. They want to know things, even if it’s none of their business. I live in the bible belt and the first thing people usually ask around here is “what church do you go to?” and I’m an atheist. I hate that people assume everyone is a christian around here.

  • LizZ H.
    September 30, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    Thank you for this. I’m glad we’re not alone.

  • michelle
    September 30, 2015 at 5:31 pm

    I agree 100% – it’s no ones business by your own! People need to keep their prying noses out of people’s lives!

  • Laura T.
    September 30, 2015 at 4:45 pm

    Good post. It may be time for us to just come out and say the words aloud “None of your business,” or perhaps take the approach of a friend of mine who says, “Answer rude comments/questions with the simple question: ‘Why would you ever say that?’ and then walk away!” She has found that simple sentence always stops people in their tracks. Some, though not all, will realize their rudeness and apologize to her. As others have said, the questions actually never stop—from why aren’t you dating, to when are you getting engaged/married/pregnant/pregnant again? At a family funeral, no less, my husband’s cousin-by-marriage asked why we only had 1 child? I didn’t feel my/our medical issues were any of her business, but I wanted to keep peace in the family, so I brushed it off with that light-hearted cliche, “Why have more when the first was perfect?” To which she replied in loud and angry tone, “I think that ‘One-and-Done mentality’ is nothing more than Yuppie selfishness and I’m sorry to hear that you have chosen this path.” I was speechless. Mind you, the nastiness was from a church-attending, Bible-thumping, Southern “lady.” 14 years later, am still stunned at her rudeness, although my little family has continued to live a happy, love-filled life. And the cousin? She has become an alcoholic to whom her 4 children do not speak. Karma is a bitch. Good luck to you in your life’s journey.

    • Jenn
      September 30, 2015 at 5:33 pm

      It’s sad, isn’t it? :/ Thank you for stopping by, Laura. Your visit and comment mean more than you know!

  • Danielle Markley
    September 30, 2015 at 4:17 pm

    Good for you! I’m sick of always answering why I’m not married yet…must be something wrong…I must be irresponsible or not serious about life. In fact it’s the opposite…I take the institution of marriage and raising kids very seriously. Not to be done with just anyone. But the bottom line is that’s my business and there’s nothing wrong with my feelings about it. Same for you!

    • Jenn
      September 30, 2015 at 5:34 pm

      I hate that, “there must be something wrong.” Really? Because I’m not who you think I should be? Thank you for stopping by and for your comment 🙂

  • Deshawn Keiner
    September 30, 2015 at 3:45 pm

    Congratulations on being brave enough to click the submit button. And you are right it is none of anyone’s business!! When God sees fit for a baby to be brought into your life he will make it so. In the article you said blogging has been awesome for you. So what have you been up to in the blogging world? Let’s connect!

    • Jenn
      September 30, 2015 at 5:39 pm

      Hi Deshawn, in the wonderful world of blogging, I’ve learned how a ton in just the past week. Beginner stuff though lol. Like ALT tags, branding, and there’s always fun with Canva 🙂 You can reach me at no-reply(at)becauseimcheap(dot)com

  • Ann Bacciaglia
    September 30, 2015 at 3:18 pm

    I never ask a couple when they are going to have kids. I would hate to make someone feel uncomfortable and it really is none of my business.

  • Liz Mays
    September 30, 2015 at 2:37 pm

    I never really thought about it, but I guess we all tend to overstep when it comes to asking about that to people. It really isn’t any of our business at all!

  • ricci
    September 30, 2015 at 2:16 pm

    I have seen this floating around Facebook and I think it’s FABULOUS! I am 32 and have never been married or have kids. People ask me all the time when it’s going to happen and I have no idea!! Great post!!

    • Jenn
      September 30, 2015 at 5:41 pm

      Wow! I had not clue it would get so much positive feedback. Honestly! Thank you so much for stopping by Ricci 🙂

  • Wendy
    September 30, 2015 at 2:10 pm

    I so agree with you! I don’t know when people became so rude and inconsiderate. I’ve never been married and I’m 47 so you can imagine the questions I get!

  • Christine - The Choosy Mommy
    September 30, 2015 at 1:03 pm

    Yes – How about them Pirates 🙂 I had a friend get married this past weekend and we were talking come Monday morning and she said, “You would’ve thought people would be asking us about where we are going on our honeymoon or moving in together but instead everyone kept asking about babies!” I replied that happened to us too and as soon as we had our first, everyone asked when we were going to have #2 and so on. People are nosey but it is your life, your business, your story to tell. So when and IF you are ready to start the next chapter, whether it be adding to your family (get a puppy!) or whatever, good luck because no matter what you do, people are always going to ask about the NEXT chapter.

  • Debbie Denny
    September 30, 2015 at 12:12 pm

    I am going to have to say… Congrats on NOT being pregnant. That said, when it is time or if it is time…. It is your business. one of my daughters do not have any children. She and her husband are happy with that for now. Like you, they are asked when a lot.

  • Rosey
    September 30, 2015 at 12:05 pm

    ‘a bit less prying.’ Exactly!! I hate when people ask prying questions and think it’s okay to do so.

  • Becki S
    September 30, 2015 at 11:11 am

    I applaud your courage and strength to tell everyone to back off! We have been married only a few years and yet we already get the questions and the stares when I say “I don’t know” about kiddos. Thanks for sharing and reminding me I’m not alone.

    • Jenn
      September 30, 2015 at 5:42 pm

      You are definitely not alone, Becki.

  • Chubskulit Rose
    September 30, 2015 at 10:58 am

    It took us almost two years before I finally conceived and yes, it’s frustrating when people ask you that question. Like you said, in God’s will, you will get pregnant.

  • Jeanine
    September 30, 2015 at 10:55 am

    So very well said! people are constantly bugging me about more babies but usually it’s “I hope you aren’t having anymore” it drives me nuts. No ones business what anyone else does.

  • frugal hausfrau
    September 30, 2015 at 10:54 am

    Kudos to you for laying it out straight!

  • frugal hausfrau
    September 30, 2015 at 10:54 am

    Kudos to you for laying it out straight!

  • Ron@Cavitenio
    September 30, 2015 at 10:36 am

    Very true and right. People shouldn’t ask that or those kinds of questions. None of their business indeed!

  • Jeanette
    September 30, 2015 at 8:54 am

    We had such trouble getting pregnant that there was not going to be second child. People still asked us when there would be a second. We tried and it didn’t work!

  • Mykidsguide
    September 30, 2015 at 7:39 am

    Congratulations for being so brave to post this. I’m sure it gets really irritating when people ask you the same thing over and over again.

  • Babes about Town
    September 30, 2015 at 6:16 am

    This is a brilliant post, thanks so much for hitting publish and also sharing so I could find it 😉 I love your honesty and your humour and you’re absolutely right – it’s nobody’s damn business! I must admit I’ve been guilty of asking prying questions but only of my absolute closest friends, the same who would get that intimate with me, and never in that silently judgemental undertone that seems to lie beneath the probing. I hope you are happy, I hope you’re fulfilled, I hope you continue publishing because this was a really great read. Thanks again x

    • Jenn
      September 30, 2015 at 5:45 pm

      Thank you so much! I’m definitely encouraged to keep exposing my heart when I feel so inclined. Always just worry about the backlash of hitting publish. That I’ve been too honest or what have you.

  • Tatanisha Pitts-Worthey
    September 30, 2015 at 5:36 am

    You got it on point, “it’s none of your business”. It’s annoying how people tends to get insensitive and judgmental.

  • Diana Elle
    September 30, 2015 at 4:46 am

    I have a five (almost six) year old and everyone always asks, when’s the next one.. i agree that maybe we shouldn’t be so pushy about this.. and no longer ask this type of question.

  • Mykidsguide
    September 30, 2015 at 4:04 am

    Very well said. A lot of people don’t think before opening their mouths. I have a friend who’s been married for years and they are still childless. She often gets this question and even if she doesn’t tell me, I know she get irritated.

  • JenniferDawn
    September 30, 2015 at 3:35 am

    Can definitely be a touchy subject! I hate when we are asked, I already have 2 children and can’t have anymore, my husband does not have any children (other than mine ..ours) and people are always asking. Makes me feel very uncomfortable!

  • Julie @ Girl on the Move
    September 30, 2015 at 2:46 am

    Love this post! I am 32 and single and people ask me ALL the time why I’m not married or when I’m getting married and if I knew (or was even dating someone) I would gladly tell people…but I don’t know! I love the idea of asking about the now 🙂

  • Elizabeth O.
    September 30, 2015 at 2:32 am

    I would understand if it were just your family, because, well, that’s what they always do… ask inappropriate questions. But for friends or acquaintances, wouldn’t it be better if they asked a general question like, “how are you?” instead of something so personal. I understand where you’re coming from, it’s a tough world we live in, and I’m sorry you had to go through so much of that.

  • Justine Y @ Little Dove Creations
    September 30, 2015 at 1:32 am

    I love this so much!! I never ask, because I agree, you just never know WHY someone may or may not be having kids and it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! IT should be between you, your spouse, and the Lord. Wonderfully written, thank you!!

  • Claudette
    September 30, 2015 at 12:42 am

    We wrote about this very issue on my blog recently! It is so insensitive of people asking women these questions. I say women because we are the ones who most often get the questions: marriage and babies with the “look.” I am so sorry you went through this. Obviously from the responses you have received you know that you are not alone in the pain and will overcome this. Bless you.

  • Betsy @ Happily Ever After, Etc.
    September 29, 2015 at 11:34 pm

    Loved this post… I’ve only been married a year now but we get the same questions all the time. It’s hard because my husband desperately wants a baby (I do too but he’s more vocal about it) it’s not the right time for us (for a multitude of personal reasons that are none of peoples business!) but every time someone asks I have to go home with a husband with haunted eyes. I hate how sad he gets, I wish people would leave well enough alone! Thanks for the rant, here’s hoping you get a little relief… at least your blog friends have your back! So many lovely comments here!

  • Debra
    September 29, 2015 at 11:21 pm

    I totally know how you feel. People are crazy with their questions.

  • Jessica Lynn
    September 29, 2015 at 10:45 pm

    Bravo for posting something like this. I’m shocked at how many people have said so many inappropriate things to you guys! I can’t even imagine!

  • Samantha Pierce
    September 29, 2015 at 10:39 pm

    I’m glad to see someone else use the word “if” when talking about starting a family. I struggle with infertility so I hate being asked about children.

  • Whitney Ramirez
    September 29, 2015 at 9:57 pm

    Ugh, I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure such rude and intrusive comments. I’ve only been married for ~6 months and while people haven’t asked me directly if we’re having kids, there has been allusion to it. While one small part of me does want a child, a larger part of me wants to experience new things and travel the world. Wherever your life is, it’s worth celebrating, regardless of what is expected.

  • Liz Mays
    September 29, 2015 at 9:46 pm

    It seems like other people can be more impatient than the people trying sometimes! I think it’s definitely good to live in the now and enjoy what you have otherwise the whole process becomes stressful and downright negative.

  • Leslie
    September 29, 2015 at 9:45 pm

    This is a great post! Your right, it isn’t anyone’s business. I love that you wrote this post!

  • Lindsay
    September 29, 2015 at 9:23 pm

    I am so sick of people asking me when I’m getting engaged or how come he hasn’t proposed yet. I want to say shut up and thanks for reminding me that he hasn’t asked yet! lol It’ll happen when he’s ready. I already know I don’t want any kids, so that should be an interesting question to answer after we get married!

  • Amber NElson
    September 29, 2015 at 9:18 pm

    How exciting! I do miss being pregnant and having little babies around.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 9:20 pm

      :/

  • Nikki Rae
    September 29, 2015 at 9:14 pm

    I hate this pressure. Once you have a kid, people want to know when you’re going to have more. We have two girls and that isn’t enough for people. We HAVE to have a boy. I hate it. But I know what’s right for us. I just wish people would view this question the same way asking how much money you make is viewed. Rude!

  • Terri
    September 29, 2015 at 8:55 pm

    We get asked that a lot, we have a 12 year old and I have no plans on having more, but people are adamant that we should have another, but we do not want anymore, it can get frustrating

  • Caroline
    September 29, 2015 at 8:46 pm

    This is great, Jenn! It’s like this with anyone asking about kids in your life: are you trying, do you want one, do you know how babies are made, do you want another, are you going to try for a [blank], you need to stop having kids… guys, what happens in a bedroom isn’t something that should be asked about at all. It’s no one’s business but the couple!

  • Chel
    September 29, 2015 at 8:42 pm

    This hits home for me, because like a lot of people have had people constantly ask when am I going to have one. It’s like a cycle… when are you going to find someone, when are you going to get married, when are you going to have a family. For me, I know that I might have said it once or twice in passing, but now that I’m older and realize that it can be hurtful to those who are trying and can’t have, or those that simply don’t want – both of which are none of my biz…

    It takes courage to come out there and just tell it how it is. No training wheels, just … look this is me. This is my choice and if you don’t like it or can’t respect it then gtfo of dodge.

    Kuddos girl!

  • Patrice M Foster
    September 29, 2015 at 8:19 pm

    Some people are so insensitive which can make you feel a way. Just ignore them…Speak up if you want but it’s not even worth your time do whatever makes you happy.

  • Dionne Baldwin
    September 29, 2015 at 8:12 pm

    Holy smokes. He seriously asked your husband of his bits were working properly? Wow. Your sex life and plans for adding members to your family is strictly your business. I can’t imagine.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 8:14 pm

      Yep. That happened. 🙁 A post on that will come at another time maybe.

      • Nancy L.
        September 29, 2015 at 10:43 pm

        Those people are just ignorant. I had people ask me and my hubby the same sort of things! Crazy!

  • Mallory
    September 29, 2015 at 8:07 pm

    Thank you so much for writing this! My husband and I have been married 3.5 years and have NO desire to even think about starting a family due to our lifestyle and my health. We know that my health has to come first and that we can’t enjoy having a family and offer a child the best home unless I would be able to care for him or her. Yet… Everyone seems to think that we should be having kids already. Don’t they know that there’s more to life than reproducing? Maybe we won’t be able to have a conventional family. Maybe we will spend more time volunteering, maybe we’ll be able to have a family one day. Only God knows!

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 8:12 pm

      Exactly. Focus on your now. That’s what I’m saying! There’s so much more than just that. So much more going on in our “now.” Thank you so much for stopping by 🙂

  • dana vento
    September 29, 2015 at 7:44 pm

    Glad to see that you write from your heart and that you let your writing seal up the answers that we are all dying to say to people. I say what I feel and feel what I say. People have no clue about what is RIGHT for you! Keep on Keep On.::))

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:54 pm

      Thank you Dana 😀

  • Ashleigh
    September 29, 2015 at 7:00 pm

    Great post, thank you for sharing. Some people will always have something to ask… if you have a kid the question becomes “when will you have another?” If you have all boys they ask when you’ll try for a girl {or vis versa}. If you choose to have many children they ask what the heck you were thinking. You really can never win. Thanks for being so open!

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:42 pm

      Oh my, I’ve heard that asked of my friends too. Thank you for stopping by, Ashleigh!

  • nicole
    September 29, 2015 at 6:59 pm

    Enjoy the now, and It hurts, but your here and god has other plans. Kids are in the near future, kids and all kids need us no matter whose child, It may be a friend, a relative. Wish you the best, always.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:43 pm

      Thank you

  • Ronda Ogilvie
    September 29, 2015 at 6:48 pm

    Congratulations!!!…On having the strength and courage to hit the publish button! Very well written and heartfelt, and you have every right to want people to mind their own business! Live for you and the now!

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:53 pm

      Ha ha ha… at first I was like, oh no another one that didn’t really read it. Lol 🙂

  • jonelle
    September 29, 2015 at 6:23 pm

    I love this

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:43 pm

      😀

  • vandana
    September 29, 2015 at 6:20 pm

    Thank you for sharing this. Indeed i recognize unpleasant questions. I agee completely that a woman is so much more than a potential mom. Just do things that make you happy 😉

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:43 pm

      Exactly.

  • Terri Ramsey Beavers
    September 29, 2015 at 6:17 pm

    Enjoy your life and don’t worry about what anyone else says or thinks. I know several couples that have been married for 5 to 10 years and I never ask why they don’t have children or when they are going to. It’s not my business to know.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:43 pm

      Exactly, Terri!

  • Jenn
    September 29, 2015 at 5:58 pm

    What a great post. Although people have your ‘interest’ at heart, it is really none of their business. If and when you choose to have a family is your choice and your decision.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:44 pm

      Most of the time it is.

  • Logan Can
    September 29, 2015 at 5:57 pm

    Oh, my! People can be so brave to ask questions that I would be horrified to ask. Of course, I had a hard time getting pregnant with my first child and so that process made me very aware and conscious of how it feels on your end. Sometimes you just want to yell at them!

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:45 pm

      Definitely lol. Need to make sure I’m caffeinated before facing those types of people 😉

  • Erin Smith
    September 29, 2015 at 5:16 pm

    I couldn’t agree more! We’ve been married for almost a year, and I’m feeling like everyone is thinking, “Well, time’s up! Get going now!” It’s the most life-changing decision we’ll ever make, and I just want to have the freedom to, um, MAKE IT, thoughtfully and privately with my hubs. I feel ya, gurl.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:46 pm

      I hear you. When they asked me before our first anniversary why I wasn’t pregnant yet I answered a bit bluntly: “It’s not like I was trying to get pregnant before the wedding!” lol

  • Hil
    September 29, 2015 at 5:15 pm

    LOL! I always connected people asking about trying tantamount to asking about my sex life. I had a relative who asked me once when I was planning on getting pregnant and if we were trying, they were a little startled when I said “are you asking whether my husband and I are using contraception for sex?”. I have a lot of friends who have had a hard time conceiving, and lost babies, and people prying and asking is hurtful and reminds you that you want a baby and haven’t been able to so far, or if you just lost a baby…. ugh. happened to a friend of mine. A work co-worker said to her “you aren’t getting any younger, when are you getting pregnant” she burst into tears and said told her that she just lost her baby, lesson learned to that co-worker!

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:47 pm

      I tried that once as an answer lol. And a couple other passive aggressive things… I’ve learned to just distance myself from those kinds of people.

  • Amber
    September 29, 2015 at 5:03 pm

    This is something I have dealt with personally for years. I come from a community where people get married young and have babies even younger. I’m 24 and considered the “old maid” of the town because I’m unwed and do not have children.
    Thank you for saying what has been on the tip of my tongue for so many months/years. This is exactly how I feel, and you shouldn’t apologize for feeling that way.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:49 pm

      Oh my Amber! Just do you. Enjoy your now. Believe me, I completely understand. When we got married, I was 27. We had been engaged for just under year. So I definitely got those comments too.

  • Mumtoamonster
    September 29, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    what an honest post. We are lucky to have a toddler and when ever I get asked about more I say hopefully when he’s at school. I realise that sometimes things don’t go to plan and things don’t happy easily.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:50 pm

      Thanks for stopping by!

  • Michelle
    September 29, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    Great post! People need to mind their own business haha!

  • Lorraine
    September 29, 2015 at 4:47 pm

    Hi jenn,

    Just wanted to say what a great post! It’s so well written, open and from the heart and you just said it how it is.

    I’ve been there and know how awkward and hurtful it can be sometimes. I remember being asked once by a guy who was asking playfully and I said ‘actually I can’t have children but thanks for bringing it up’ that shocked him and shut him up :). I also hope that it taught him not to be so nosey and also that it’s not always straight forward and that it’s insensitive to ask as you don’t know what’s going on in people’s lives.

    It doesn’t end though I’m now getting the ‘when are you having baby number 2?’ question, although I usually turn around and say my little miracle is through Ivf so it’s very unlikely but you never know…

    Thanks for sharing that jenn god bless you!

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:52 pm

      It figures that it doesn’t end. Lol. Thanks for stopping by Lorraine 🙂

  • Eryn
    September 29, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    Fantastic post. So well-written and so true. We haven’t even gotten married yet, and people are asking us when we will have kids. I sometimes feel like yelling at people and telling them it’s not your business. If and when we decide too, we will. Thank you for sharing!

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:51 pm

      I completely understand!

  • Charlene @ Teacher by trade Mother by nature
    September 29, 2015 at 4:13 pm

    Brilliant post Jenn. I think a lot of women can relate to this. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 7:51 pm

      Thank you for stopping by, Charlene!

  • lauren
    September 29, 2015 at 3:30 pm

    GREAT post! Thanks for sharing and being raw. I have kids but I got so sick of the questions before…then I got pregnant and was huge and had people ask and say things to me everything from, “you go twins in there?” to “geeze, you look like you are going to explode.” Um, thanks? People need to learn to keep their traps shut! Im thankful for this post, your heart and the reminder! xo

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 3:55 pm

      Oh true! I didn’t even think of that! They think it’s normal. Ugh. I think it’s rude.

  • Jessica
    September 29, 2015 at 3:18 pm

    Thank you for the post! It’s so true, i’ve been married for 3 years (well October will be 3) & so many times EVERYONE asks me when’s the baby coming! Cant’ wait just enjoy being married and a couple and when the time is right than I will have one IF it’s possible! I truly try not to mention it to couples about babies because EVERY story is different!

  • Shann Eva
    September 29, 2015 at 3:10 pm

    Such an honest and important post. Most people don’t think before they open their mouths. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure all these questions for so many years. People don’t really think about what’s going on behind the scenes, and it’s really not their business. I’m glad you put this out there. I think it will help a lot of others that experience the same thing.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 3:55 pm

      Thank you Shann Eva!

  • Kylie
    September 29, 2015 at 2:29 pm

    jenn, thank you so much for sharing this. What a beautifully vulnerable post! As a hairstylist I hear so many horror stories of people being insensitive to this fact, and it truly breaks my heart.
    Then as a single woman I am constantly getting the whole “why aren’t you married yet? When are you gonna settle down?” And I so badly want to scream at them, ” don’t you think I wonder the same thing?!?! Don’t you think I WANT to find the man of my dreams and him think I’m the woman of his?” But instead I get to be reminded that this will hopefully happen for me, but might not.
    I loved you sentence “ask me about my now.” The life I’m living is great how it is. Be excited in that moment with me.
    Thank you for standing up to this!

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 2:31 pm

      Thank you Kylie! I so wish more were concerned with the now. It’s so full. So fun. And definitely worth sharing. Maybe it’s oversight. Maybe it’s revealing their priorities in life. What they deem most important. But there’s just so much more to me than my ovaries. Lol.

  • The Husband
    September 29, 2015 at 2:27 pm

    I’m very proud of you to have the courage to post this. We will have a child someday sweetheart.

  • Miss Angie
    September 29, 2015 at 2:04 pm

    Ugh, the questions kill me… I don’t want to talk about it-if I wanted to talk about it I’d let you know, kthxbye.

    Though my family has stopped asking when I’ll get married-so they’ve probably given up on me. haha

  • tara pittman
    September 29, 2015 at 1:56 pm

    People need to stop and think before they speak. I want another baby so bad but it has not happened and yet people always ask me when I will have another.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 2:25 pm

      I guess they think it’s as easy as ordering a package from Amazon. 😛

  • Jenn Roberts
    September 29, 2015 at 1:49 pm

    I agree wholeheartedly with this post. People need to understand that its none of their business whether someone wants to become a parent, or why they can’t or haven’t yet! People can be so nosy! Thanks for sharing this, and thank you so much for linking up over on my blog!

  • Shaylee
    September 29, 2015 at 1:34 pm

    This is a great post! I was actually reading one quite similar to it yesterday and was thinking to myself, “Yeah! You go girl!”. I have fertility issues and it actually makes the people who know about it ask more! (which is crazy to me) And I feel the same way, IF my partner and I decide to have children, I’ll let you know when I want to. 🙂

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 2:26 pm

      Exactly! I’m a very private person. So I don’t usually share things on my heart like this. But it’s good to see so many with me on it.

  • Julie
    September 29, 2015 at 1:31 pm

    I so know what you mean! We were married for 8 years before we had our baby. People need to learn (but I don’t know how to teach them) to mind their own business. You’ll have a child when/if you decide you’re ready, and there’s no point in pushing you or pressuring you or being passive aggressive with the “I wish you would make me a ___ aunt/grandma/whatever”. So yes, I’m on board with you announcement lady 🙂

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 2:29 pm

      Yeah. The only response I have is usually passive aggressive. Lol.

  • Danielle
    September 29, 2015 at 12:39 pm

    This is such a needed post because a lot of people don’t realize how a seemingly simple question can make another person feel inside.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 12:41 pm

      Thanks for stopping by, Danielle

  • Tammy Greene
    September 29, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    I’m glad you hit “publish”. Great post and very thought provoking. We went thru that too with the baby, cause we waited awhile for our first. And I guarantee, if you have one baby, the next question will be, “So when is baby #2 coming?”

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 12:41 pm

      Exactly! They’re always concerned with the “what’s next” and not about the “now”

  • cuteheads
    September 29, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    Beautifully said. Such an innocuous question can actually be so offensive and rude, and people really should mind their own business when it comes to such a personal topic. I’ve been there many time. Well done.

    x,
    Esther
    the cuteness

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 12:41 pm

      Thank you, Esther

  • Erica
    September 29, 2015 at 12:12 pm

    Thoughtful post. It is so hard to share about personal and vulnerable topics. Very brave!

  • CAROL CASSARA
    September 29, 2015 at 12:12 pm

    It IS a sensitive topic but I don’t think most people mean anything by it. The “when are you…” is a bad question. There are other ways….

  • Jennifer Clay
    September 29, 2015 at 12:07 pm

    I never ask anybody questions like this. You never know what they are going through. Their struggles, their pain. It is always the wise thing to keep your nose in your business. It means less drama not only for you but the other party!

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 12:08 pm

      So true

  • Sarah Kelly
    September 29, 2015 at 11:58 am

    I will admit, as a member of your family, I have wondered when you guys would start having kids. But I don’t think I’ve ever asked. At least I hope not after reading this lol I think it’s just human curiosity. So many people don’t realize that sometimes, it just isn’t that easy. Aside from that, maybe you just want to wait! Enjoy your new life together, married. But again, some people don’t understand that. That being said, it’s in Gods hands. If it’s in his plans, it will happen. But you already know that ☺️ Thanks for sharing. I will pray that God will do what’s best for you and Bryan!

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 12:09 pm

      No worries, Sarah. I don’t remember you ever asking. But if you did I forgot, so we good lol

  • steffanie
    September 29, 2015 at 11:57 am

    It’s so bizarre how rude people can be about asking things like “is something wrong with you?” I have a good friend whose MIL literally trapes around family parties asking everyone if they know ‘what’s wrong with her’ that she hasn’t been pregnant yet. Little does she know, she HAS but has had some complications and having the MIL rant around regarding when she’s going to be a grandmother is completely ignorant and insensitive. Has it always been like this for people or has this phenomenon just recently started happening within the last couple of decades that women have been having children later in life? LOL.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 12:11 pm

      Oh man, if that happened, I’d leave immediately. She would no longer be welcome in my home. That’s a whole new level of rude.

  • Sara Strand
    September 29, 2015 at 11:55 am

    Bravo. Seriously. There is a book called “Complete Without Kids” that I read a few years back and they interviewed several couples, some with kids, some who knew they absolutely did not want kids, and then couples who weren’t sure about later but right now it’s not on their agenda. And as a mom to three kids, I GET IT. I am 100% on board if someone says, “Meh- not sure if we want them” because it is hard, it is draining, I sometimes feel like the fun parts of my life are put on hold until “someday” and what if someday never comes? In the back of my head I often wonder, what happens if I die before I get to go on adventures? Will I regret it? And I don’t know. I really don’t. But I will say my husband and I got pregnant 6 months after getting married and it was too soon. Far too soon. We were babies, we didn’t have adulthood figured out, we didn’t know what being married should be like, there were so many things I wish we had done pre-babies so I’m glad you and your husband are doing all of that.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 12:14 pm

      I’ll have to check out that book. Thank you, Sara!

  • Melissa U.
    September 29, 2015 at 11:43 am

    I definitely hear you on this. Of course, everyone who has known me for even a short time, knows that my greatest desire is to be a mother. Unfortunately, it hasn’t happened yet. Been happily married over a year, in my thirties now, and I’m still waiting. It’s still early enough in my marriage that I’m not to the point of exasperation, but every pregnancy or birth announcement I see is just another reminder of my empty womb.

    My parents want grandbabies, bad. They make comments about it every so often, and my sisters and I take it in stride, for now. But I’ve already shed quite a few disappointed tears, had moments of frustration. When is it my turn?

    I’m glad you shared your experience. It makes me feel a little more normal that I’m not the only one struggling, and finding it harder to find polite ways of responding to those good natured questions. So far, my response has been, God hasn’t decided it’s time yet…He must have a reason, etc.

    If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. Through the good and bad.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 12:18 pm

      You are so not the only one. I usually just avoid the topic of kids altogether… Anymore. Some days and seasons are harder than others. And sometimes, writing helps.:)

  • Merisa
    September 29, 2015 at 11:34 am

    This is probably my favorite post that I’ve read this week (and I’ve been reading a lot! haha). Thank you so much for pushing that publish button! I’ve had to deal with the “when are you getting married?” brigade since I turned 18. I still get asked now and I’m not even in a relationship! An older aunt in my family even told me recently that I should try to find a man soon seeing as I’m getting up there in age (I’ll be 24 on Saturday!) and getting pregnant only gets harder as you get older. I shot back with, “well, maybe I won’t even have kids!” She looked like I slapped her and replied, “Oh honey, don’t say that! It’s in the cards, I just know it.” That still makes me feel a tinge of anger so you’re not alone.

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 12:19 pm

      Oh my. Take your time. Enjoy your NOW 🙂

  • Susannah
    September 29, 2015 at 11:31 am

    Yes! People are so insensiive when they ask questions about others getting pregnant! Way to speak out about it!!!

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 12:19 pm

      Thank you Susannah

  • Robin Rue (@massholemommy)
    September 29, 2015 at 11:23 am

    From the minute I got married until I announced my first pregnancy, my mom harped on me about when I was going to have a baby. I mean, like every time I talked to her. Why do people do that?

    • Jenn
      September 29, 2015 at 12:20 pm

      I have no clue. They are just so concerned with the future. I think the “now” is so much more important.

    Shares